The Story of Me

      I have not been okay. I have been feeling lost and alone. I have been feeling a lot of things especially helplessness that I have no clue how to express except for just screaming and crying. Now that I have no control it has gotten worse. Having the control was what was helping and now that has been taken away from me. I understand why, but it doesn't make it hurt any less than what it does.     About a month or so ago it seems like my mom got put into the hospital due to her losing the capability to use her legs. They did some tests and whatnot and found a mass growing on her lung and did a biopsy on it. While waiting on results she got sent to a rehabilitation center to help her gain strength in her legs again. As we were waiting and she was in the center she got the results from the biopsy. It was Stage 4 Lung Cancer. We no more found out the results and that weekend she ended up falling while in the bathroom. The nurses thought she had a stroke when th...

     This the season where your mental state goes to shit. Where the people who make you feel like shit are the people who shouldn't. This the season where you just really don't care and don't want to be around. This the season things just don't seem to matter anymore. This the season when things in your head start to get to you. This the season that those things are from people that they shouldn't have come from. This the season you just dread and hate. This the season you wish would just obliterate. This the season that doesn't fly by. This the season that makes you cry. This the season that haunts your life. This the season that you despise.      After having a few things happen things are starting to arise. Things that you thought you have depressed inside. Things you thought you have surpassed. Things you thought had died. After having a few things happen NOPE they arose! Things that came back and were like SURPRISE! Things that came back and make you ...

      It has been 9 days since I have posted last. Everything has been going very well. Well minus the nights I have not slept very well, but that is due to different issues. Well, kinda. So I have made a lot of progress in my mental health and my Gender Dysphoria. Things have been looking up quite a bit. Especially since the crappy holidays are here. I feel my thoughts and feelings have now been fully put on the table to my other half after writing these. Yes, they do read these and they support me doing writing these blogs 100%. I love how supportive they are and understanding.     One of the updates in this journey of mine is I have told my aunt. Yes! I told my aunt who, in my last post was very worried, what is going on. I switched some details around, but she now knows. She told my mom as well because I didn't really care how she reacted. I was more worried about my aunt. But my aunt took it quite well surprisingly. She did ask a lot of questions, but I thi...

      So another day with another breakdown. This time it wasn't about my personal issues that I am facing. No, it was about something I have been struggling with for a few weeks. It is getting better though, but it is still tough. What do you expect though when your other half slams you with big news. News that needed to be told gently. So yeah, I have been having some issues with it. Am I okay with what they told me? Yes! Yes, I am. It took me a little bit and it took a lot of talking about with one another, but I have gradually gotten better. So these breakdowns are due to not being okay, they are more so due to the fear of not knowing what is to come in the future. I hate the unknown. I guess you could say I like to have control or be in control of situations. Most of that is due to my past and helping my mental illness. At least that is how I see it anyway.      So it was I think last month when I got the news from my other half that hit me so hard. We...

      When in my head a lot of things can happen. I can either overthink things, dwell on things, or the demons I have decided to come out and mess with me. When any of these things happen I usually fall into depression and I don't know what to do to fix it. Lately, the one that mostly pops into my head is I guess you can say it would be one of my demons. I have quite a few of those and most of them are from my past and have made peace with them, but they like to come back and I get upset. This new one on the other hand is a lot worse. I say it is a lot worse because I have yet to seek help professionally so I have no way to deal with it or know how to handle it. I have joined some groups which is how I figured out what this demon is in my head, but to get to the bottom of it and work on it I need actual help. Trying to figure out how to treat this can come with a lot of loss but with a lot of gains as well. I have an idea what this demon in my head is, but it is weird to...

So I have been realizing I forget to eat a lot. Also, I just don’t feel like eating or nothing sounds good. Then when I am hungry or have an appetite I am very picky on what I can or can not eat due to trying to want to eat better because of my health conditions. I also realized if I am anxious or depressed I really push food away even more. So I started wondering if I might have a type of eating disorder. With that being said I decided to look up some and see if they fit what describes what I am going through and needless to say I did see one or two and now I don’t know what to do. I am tired of being this way. If it is not one thing it is another with my mental/physical health. I am just starting to feel like I need more help than what I can get at the moment and it is scaring me. I just simply do not know what to do anymore. This has become so draining that half the time I have little to no energy and don’t even want to get out of bed. For instance, I woke up today and then took a n...