Another Day in When in my Head

     So another day with another breakdown. This time it wasn't about my personal issues that I am facing. No, it was about something I have been struggling with for a few weeks. It is getting better though, but it is still tough. What do you expect though when your other half slams you with big news. News that needed to be told gently. So yeah, I have been having some issues with it. Am I okay with what they told me? Yes! Yes, I am. It took me a little bit and it took a lot of talking about with one another, but I have gradually gotten better. So these breakdowns are due to not being okay, they are more so due to the fear of not knowing what is to come in the future. I hate the unknown. I guess you could say I like to have control or be in control of situations. Most of that is due to my past and helping my mental illness. At least that is how I see it anyway. 

    So it was I think last month when I got the news from my other half that hit me so hard. We both just got new jobs and we were starting our new journey after signing another year lease for the home we rent. I would be working 11.5 hours a day Tuesday through Friday. They would be working normal 8-hour shifts from Tuesday through Saturday. So we wouldn't get to see one another that much and that there was already messing with my head. We have been so used to seeing one another all day every day. Well, we figured hey it would be okay we had some time in between our shifts. Yeah, we were wrong at first because he was fixing to be training and that even got pushed back. So now they were working 12-hour shifts so there literally was no seeing one another except on our days off or if I would stop by where they were stationed at. So I already had issues not being able to see them. That is when the news got dropped on my lap. They decided to tell me after we had a conversation, while we had been drinking I might add, about being Transgender. I was like okay I support you as long as you are happy. Yeah, that is not how my entire depressed and anxiety-ridden brain decided to process that. Nope! It decided to think of every negative thing and how I lost the person I have spent the last 3 years of my life with. How I might as well be dead if I can't be with them. I had break downs after break downs. It was so bad that just the topic gets brought up in conversation that I would just lose it. Now, this is the kicker of it all. So as I said just the mention of it would set off the breakdown, well I was at work and it got brought up in a text. A TEXT! And I just completely lost it. I had a freaking breakdown at work and was trying so hard to hold it in, but I failed. I had to call my supervisor and be like hey I have a family emergency and need to leave. The family emergency was me. I was on the verge of being on the floor balled up and crying my eyes out. It would not have been pretty. So luckily I got covered and got to leave. I didn't know if they had anything for later that night so I ran home and got some stuff and took it to them. They had an idea something happened, but I still told them. They felt totally bad and blamed themselves for that happening when all in all it wasn't their fault. My brain was at fault. So after seeing them I left to go to my aunt's house and chill with her. She was even curious why I got off so early and I told her I had a breakdown due to the lack of us seeing one another. She understood, but she doesn't know about the entire situation. She will soon because well she is family. Later that night she got really worried because I wouldn't eat anything or drink anything and she knows that is unusual for me. I just told her I am fine and I just have a lot going on with all the changes. Which wasn't a complete lie. I just wasn't telling the full story. After leaving there I decided to go back to the site to see them and whatnot. I was getting super tired considering I had been up since like 5:30 that morning so I decided to go ahead and head home. That was when the biggest one hit. Once I got parked in the driveway my brain crashed and I completely lost it. It went on a whole suicide thought rampage and went back to the whole we lost them and might as well not continue on since that was the case. It was a complete mess. So because of that, I didn't want to go in the house. Mind you it is really cold out at this point. I ended up sleeping in my car until they got home at 8 am I believe. It took them a while to even find where I was and that made them panic. Once they found me they tried to get me in the house. Oh, it hurt trying to unstiffen up from being curled up in a car seat. I don't quite remember all of the events after getting in the house. I just remember going to bed. I do remember us talking about my job and agreeing eventually on me just leaving and doing a self-employment thing I have been doing. That way we can spend time and work on everything.

    Later on down the road from then we went out and started talking about it and what my fears were and questions I had. Come to find out only a few changes would happen and I wouldn't lose the person I fell in love with. Now it will be different considering I married one gender and they are going to be turning into another gender, but all in all the same person. So my worry then was the attraction. Would I be attracted to what they turn out to look like or would I not. I know I will still have that person heart-wise and personality-wise, but would it be the same or enough. That is a thought that continues to cross my mind and it scares the living shit out of me because I can not live without them. They are my world! We have, since then, talked about a lot of things but the one thing I had yet to tell them was since finding this out it felt like a big chunk of my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

    I am still working on accepting and processing everything. Things have been going pretty fast that it is a little hard so I still have breakdowns, but I try to only have them when they aren't around. It makes it a lot easier. In the beginning, I would end up have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression would hit to end up having a breakdown. Whereas now the depression has ceased when it comes up or we do things to further the process along with the anxiety and panic attacks. It seems they only happen at home or very rarely in public. Now I will say when I see the public changes (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) I do get upset. I don't know why, but I do. I guess I feel it is a little too much and a little too fast, but that is just me. Also, it could be because I am not ready to see it, but I know they need to be doing things at their pace and that is their pace. I just wish sometimes they would slow it down for me so I can handle it and be okay. This process is hard on me as well. I love seeing them happy, but I don't like feeling like I am breaking apart either. I know they will probably see this too and all I can say is I am sorry. I am sorry I seem to be a little selfish, but I am hurting and processing and haven't had a chance to cope while everything is going on. I feel like life is moving on while I am stuck in one spot trying to figure out what to do and what is going on. My head starts spinning sometimes. When this all happened there was way too much going on and way too many changes happening at the same time. So my brain hasn't had time to digest everything. I want to say I love you and I am going to be with you no matter what, but I just wish you would put me into consideration a little bit. I know you probably are, but it just doesn't seem like it. I thought things would be going a lot differently for me to be able to process this and let it sink in. 

    Every day has been a battle for me since then. Mainly because of this happening a lot of realization has hit me which again more change. I don't do well with change. I just want some stability for once. I haven't been able to get my mental health in check and that is a big issue. I don't know how or when that will happen or if it will even happen. Hell! I thought I was going to have to put myself into a mental hospital because I was at the end of the rope so to speak. That isn't the case now but still, it happened. I am scared anything could tip me at this point because my mental state is so fragile right now. Writing these blogs help me so much. I didn't think it would, but it does. I guess just getting everything out of my head and out for someone to see or not see is what I needed. I guess I could call it my silent counseling. Ha! Maybe if I keep this up I will feel better. I know it is not a substitute I guess for counseling and I really do need to go, but for the time being, it will do.

    I want to try and write every day. Some days may be short and some days may be longer. So get ready for what might be a series of  When in my Head. If you see that in the title somewhere then you know it will be apart of what this journey is going on in this head of mine.

    Like in my last entry, if you or someone you know is going through some mental issues feel free to contact me via the comments and let me know how I can get ahold of you or that someone you know. There is no reason anyone should be having to go through anything alone. If I get a good amount of people I might just make a group forum or something on an app that everyone can access that way everyone has someone. Also, so we can find some resources for you or the person you know. Like last time the cast of Supernatural said it best "Always Keep Fighting!" I love everyone who sees this and I hope everyone is doing okay. Until next time!