When in my Head

     When in my head a lot of things can happen. I can either overthink things, dwell on things, or the demons I have decided to come out and mess with me. When any of these things happen I usually fall into depression and I don't know what to do to fix it. Lately, the one that mostly pops into my head is I guess you can say it would be one of my demons. I have quite a few of those and most of them are from my past and have made peace with them, but they like to come back and I get upset. This new one on the other hand is a lot worse. I say it is a lot worse because I have yet to seek help professionally so I have no way to deal with it or know how to handle it. I have joined some groups which is how I figured out what this demon is in my head, but to get to the bottom of it and work on it I need actual help. Trying to figure out how to treat this can come with a lot of loss but with a lot of gains as well. I have an idea what this demon in my head is, but it is weird to actually identify it. Especially when saying it out loud. When I say it out loud my brain is like it does not compute with what is being said and gets confused, but when I think about it emotionally it fits. I have no clue what to do other than seek the counseling I need. I just don't know how to go about it or what to do. It is so frustrating and crippling. I do things that would normally help others who have this same demon, but it does not help probably because I have done this for so long that it is nothing new. So because of that, I have no other mechanisms to help me. At least I have yet to find any that help me.

    So far what I have found this demon to be and the name most people call it is Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria in easy terms is when someone feels they were born in the wrong body and don't feel they are the pronouns they were assigned at birth. So with now knowing what it is, I am battling my brain with it, and with doing that causes depression. When this starts happening my brain is like "Just stay the way you are and you won't lose anyone." Either that or it is like "If you change you will lose your entire family and be alone." Then on top of it, I start doubting if I even have this and wonder if it is something else. This entire thing is brain fucking! It gets so bad that it throws me into really bad anxiety attacks. They can range from causing chest pains to causing my head to feel tight. Sometimes I get really shaky, light-headed, and dizzy. The anxiety has gotten really bad lately. The depression has changed from what it used to be as well. So much to the point, my aunt noticed something wasn't right and started getting worried. When someone else can see that you know at that point it is bad.

    So earlier in this, I said I have not her mechanisms to help me, well while that is true I do have someone that helps me cope. That amazing someone is my cat Thumper. It is like she knows when I am going through something really tough and knows the right time to come and snuggle. As I am writing this she is snuggled next to me and feeling her there and knowing she is there has calmed me down a lot. They say there is no greater thing than an animal's love and how an animal's love can be healing. Well, I agree with that 100%! Whenever I am down and she comes to me to snuggle or lets me hold and squeeze her I feel so much better and I can feel her love. I have also heard that a cat's purr can be therapeutic and again I agree with that 100% as well. When my baby purrs it is the best feeling when I am down. It is relaxing and feeling her purr lets me know she is happy. Yes, I know when a cat purrs it doesn't just mean they are happy, but I think of it that way because it makes me calm as well as I can just sense she is when she purrs. Having a cat when you suffer from any sort of mental illness is the best. For me, it is when she decides to snuggle next to me and sleep when I am having an episode and knowing she is asleep and pet her. She just lays there content and dead to the world as I pet her or she will wake up and roll over to show me her tummy and get tummy rubs. Ha! She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have no clue what I would do if I did not have her.

    All in all mental illness in any form is not fun. Some say it can be debilitating while I say it is debilitating. Since mine has gotten worse starting around 2016ish it has been hard to even want to get out of bed to go to work. I have no clue how many times I called out due to anxiety and depression to the point my manager told me I should file for intermittent FMLA that way I wouldn't get penalized for calling out. Since I have stopped working in 2017 it has been hard to keep a job due to anxiety and/or depression. Which has put our finances in a bind. Grant it we can pay bills, but we have no wiggle room if something were to come up and need to be fixed or something. Now throw Gender Dysphoria into the mix of my mental illnesses and my brain is all out of wack! When someone says a lot of people suffer from mental illness and still live normal lives I just want to slap them! I just want to yell and ask if they have ever suffered from a mental illness or know how it feels? Yes, I know some do push through while dealing with it and I applaud them, but I have tried and failed. But for someone who has never dealt with it to give their unwanted say so in it really bugs me. I had a relative say they did but they put it in their "Gods" hands. Just to clarify I am not bashing what they believe or how they do what they do this next thing is just an opinion. When they said what they did to me it was bullshit. The anxiety of certain things I have just let go and thought if it is meant to be it will be and let it go, but when it is something that can't be controlled like anxiety coming out of nowhere when you aren't doing anything. I don't know how many times I have just been sitting at home and out of nowhere I get hit with anxiety and there was nothing to feel anxious about. It has happened to me when I was working one time and didn't know it so I ended up in the emergency room. So no not everything can just be "handed over" so to speak. Not every anxiety is the same for someone else. Just as not every traumatic event affects everyone the same. Everyone can handle things differently. Some are stronger than others and some have just been strong for too long.

    If you read this and are having issues feel free to reach out. I am 100% there to support you in any way I can. You don't have to go through this alone. I know I am not and I have amazing people behind me. Let me be that person behind you! Also, if you see this and know someone who is going through a tough time show them this and tell them to reach out. I know I can't do much, but I can lend an ear so to speak. If needed I can even look up help in whatever area you or the person you share this with is in. We all need to stick together and support one another when we are down. So with that being said the cast of Supernatural said it best "Always Keep Fighting!"