I am not Okay and that is Okay

     I have not been okay. I have been feeling lost and alone. I have been feeling a lot of things especially helplessness that I have no clue how to express except for just screaming and crying. Now that I have no control it has gotten worse. Having the control was what was helping and now that has been taken away from me. I understand why, but it doesn't make it hurt any less than what it does.

    About a month or so ago it seems like my mom got put into the hospital due to her losing the capability to use her legs. They did some tests and whatnot and found a mass growing on her lung and did a biopsy on it. While waiting on results she got sent to a rehabilitation center to help her gain strength in her legs again. As we were waiting and she was in the center she got the results from the biopsy. It was Stage 4 Lung Cancer. We no more found out the results and that weekend she ended up falling while in the bathroom. The nurses thought she had a stroke when that happened so she got sent back to the hospital and it confirmed she did have a stroke but also had some bleeding on the brain and was making sure it was okay. After a day they saw she was fine from the tests and she got to go home and away from the rehabilitation center. This is great since she doesn't want treatment for the lung cancer she has. She was doing really good considering all (the stroke). I was already having a hard time trying to adjust to the fact that we don't know how much time we have, but then I find out my wife is having mental issues and I was fixing to start training for a new job. At first, I thought it would be fine trying to deal with the news about my mom and working. Mainly because she was doing good, but then my wife wasn't doing good so I needed to be strong for her. I was able to do so because of having control over what needed to be done on certain things or at least thinking about them. She is doing better now I feel or I at least hope she is.

    My wife lets me see only what she wants me to see and I hate that. I want to see everything so I can try and help. If I can't help how is she going to get better? I don't know if it is because I just need to be in control or at least feel like I have some control over the situation. Maybe that is why she only lets me see what she feels I need to see. That way I feel she is doing better and I feel she is okay. I don't know, but I don't like that. I want to know the truth and not hide or feel the need to hide things because of what is going on with my mom. Especially after what has just happened.

    So I just recently, and by recently I mean yesterday, found out that my mom's social worker made my Aunt become Power of Attorney because she is living with her. This now means she has full say on what happens to her. I feel like my voice or my say has been ripped away from me. The one thing that was helping me go has been taken. I feel the last thing I would ever get to do for my mother has been ripped out of my hands. I feel now her wishes might not get done the way she wanted them to because I was the only one she truly told. Now that her poor little mind isn't able to communicate them to anyone else. Her last wishes were never written down they were just told to me. I did tell my aunt, but at this point, that doesn't mean jack shit since a certain someone else is in the picture. I never wanted this person in the picture. I didn't want them to know anything but guess what my voice got ignored and I feel that is what is going to happen when it comes down to my momma's final wishes.

    I feel I have been just pushed out of the picture like when I was a kid when my grandma got sick. If I voiced what I saw or what I thought about that time it just got put to the side because I was just a kid and was just the grandkid. But I was the kid and grandkid who watched her die and helped take care of her the best I could. To this day I feel I don't fit and that my voice doesn't matter to anyone. I am the black sheep or the freak of the family I feel. Back then I didn't know why, but I do now. I don't fit the standard "Norms" of what everyone thinks I should be. Not with this family and by some of the people in it. 

    I have now found that I am Bisexual. I am married to a Transgender Woman. I don't identify with either gender or at least trying to figure that out so for now going as Non-Binary. I hate certain body parts that were given to me. Some might say it is body issues but I know it isn't. I have already seen a therapist on that one. I was told I do fit the criteria of being a Transgender Man, but with what society has pushed into our brains it is hard for me to accept that. So because of that going as Non-Binary has eased that for now. Mostly because of how I still have likes of what a Cis Female would have, but again in the LGBTQ+ Community that is okay and it is normal just not in my head because of stupid society. So on top of all of that, I am dealing with my mom dying and I feel I have no control. I am the type of person who has to have control of something! And right now I have control over nothing! I don't have control over my job since I am only in training. I feel like I am about to spiral out of control. 

    I finally had my breakdown today about everything. I need help, but I don't know what help I need. I don't know where to go to get it or what to do. Other than talk to a therapist. I feel like I am falling apart. My emotional breakdown scared the shit out of my wife because she thought I wasn't breathing right when I was because I was literally screaming and crying at the same time. I felt horrible because I know she is dealing with her own battle and then having to see me break down. I know she felt she needed to be strong for me, but she didn't. I just needed her to be there and hold me and let me get it out and she did just that. She even cried with me and hurt with me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is the reason I keep going. If I didn't have her I would be lost right now during all of this. I know I have others I can turn to because they have reached out and told me so, but I feel bad if I do because I know they have families and problems of their own. I don't want to burden them with my problems. I am afraid to say how I feel to anyone other than my wife due to pissing people off and something bad actually happening. I have to hide things about myself because certain people don't want things to come out or be said when it is my life and about me.

    I am tired of having to live like this and be like this. I don't know what to do or what to say. I JUST DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY MOMMA! I WANT MY MOMMA!