I'm still not Okay, and I don't know if that is Okay anymore

     No one ever told you that grief felt or how to deal with it. No one ever told you that grief could be so painful. No one ever told you that grief can make your depression 10x's worse to the point you don't even want to get out of bed ever again. Grief from losing a loved one is something no one ever wants to feel. I know I never did or do. I have lost two people and the grief for both of them has been tremendously different. The loss of my grandmother was a rough one. I had a lot of guilt and regret. The loss of my mother has been the worse. I would want to call her and see how she is doing or just to talk and remember I can't do that because she is gone. I would just want to hear her voice and remember I can't do that because she is gone. I would want to call her and ask her a question about something and remember I can't because she is gone. I would want to call her and ask for advice about things and can't because I remember she is now gone. I will never be able to hug her, kiss her, hold her, cry on her shoulder, laugh with her, or be able to spend time with her again because she is now gone. That is the worse feeling ever! The loss of a parent to me is possibly the worst feeling than the loss of anyone else. That is just my experience and my opinion. There are days I just cry to the point I cry so hard I am screaming and I am just in so much pain from the grief from it.

    Lately, depression has been taking over more often than it used to and it is a lot heavier. I wish my brain wouldn't switch into "Everything is fine" mode when I go to see the counselor to get help. The depression is so crippling that I can barely do anything. I am trying to get better and not end up taking a step backwards from the progress I have already made. I am now starting to cook again and be somewhat productive again. I feel like I am about to fall backwards and I don't want that at all! Trying to get basic things done like laundry and dishes is strainuous. At first it was because I would get overwhelmed and anxious now it is that plus depression not letting me do anything. I manage to at least get out of bed and that is hard considering that when I am there I feel happy and okay. When I get out of bed is when everything just floods in and just overwhelms me. I know a lot of people would tell me I need to take medicine to help, but medicine doesn't help me it just makes me feel foggy and I don't feel like I am me. So if having to feel all of this and try and function versus feeling foggy and try to function. I choose to feel everything and hurt. Same with anxiety. I would rather be overwhelmed by the feelings than live my life day to day in a fog from taking medicine.

    I do need some type of relief from this though. This is getting so bad I am getting visions from my past that I had thought about. It didn't happen but the visions were thoughts I had and how I imagined them happening. It is really hard. I feel like I can't try to express anything because I don't want to upset my other half. I know they have stuff they are going through and some of the things that I do to release triggers or upsets them. So I feel I need to keep everything in. I just want some help and I know I can get it if my brain would just stop switching to "Everything is fine" mode. Maybe I need to take notes/journal how I feel on certain days and my thoughts and take it with me when I go see them because I feel if I don't then nothing will be expressed or dealt with properly.

    I miss having motivation to do things I liked and cared about doing. I was just starting to get into arts and crafts when I decided to let myself open up and griev. That is when everything just went downhill. I bought canvas' and have stuff to crochet and have ideas of wanting to learn how to loom and I want to be able to read again without getting distracted. I want to be able to wander off into the world of that book and escape, but at this point I can't do that because I just get distracted easily because I am just not into it. I am honestly surprised I am actually doing this right now! Maybe doing this and printing it off for my counselor might be a good idea. I don't really know. I have thought about expressing myself on certain social media applications, but I feel if I did and people started putting negative things it would make it worse. I see all the creators doing what they love and still show when they are down and get positivity, but I don't know if I could do it and deal what comes afterwards. I just want to be heard. I know no one will see this. I know this is going no where, but it is letting me get these thoughts and feelings out. I just want to feel better. Is that so much to ask?