My Life
Hi! My name is Sabrina and this is the beginning of many entries to come. First, I am going to start at the very beginning. Then move on from there to where we are now in time.
You could say I had a good childhood. I had both parents together. Dad worked while mom stayed at home taking care of me and the house. Pretty much being the stay-at-home mom/wife. I didn’t really do without. I was a happy little kid. It was a little lonely, but I was happy. I had our pets to play with and toys. It wasn’t until I started school that things started to change. Once I started school I started to make friends, but I got taken away from them when we moved due to my dad’s job. No big deal at the time because then I didn’t know the impact that would have on me just yet. We moved all the way from the East Coast to Arkansas. I started school there and was very shy since I didn’t know how to make new friends due to being around the same ones for so long. Another thing that changed was my mom was no longer always at home. She started working as well, so I started having some resentment towards her because we were so close and she was no longer around all the time. Then when I was going into 5th grade I had to change schools again due to our new home being in a different district. I feel this could have been prevented or at least found a way for me to stay at my school, but that didn’t happen and I ended up going to a school I absolutely hated. I had to make new friends, which wasn’t so bad a first. I liked the teachers I had and the friends I did make. I was looked at as a normal kid and it was great. That is until the guidance counselor started pushing me to be put in a different “part” of that grade. At this school the grades were parted due to how “smart” they are, at least that is how I looked saw it. I was one of the kids that could be put in the “smart” side. Did I want to be put there? No. Did I end up there? Yes! Once I got changed I was unhappy. I lost all the friends I had made because I didn’t get to see them anymore. Also, I felt I was behind what they had already learned I felt since they went at a faster pace than the other half of the grade due to it being the “smart” side. I just wanted to be normal and have fun. During this time I also started to get bullied because I was heavier than other students. At first it didn’t bother me because I told my mom and she told me it was because I was a healthy child. We didn’t know at the time there was something actually wrong. When I got into 6th grade things got better and I made some friends and was okay until the end of the day when I had to go home on the bus. This was when the bullying got worse at this point. There were some older kids that would pick on me on the bus saying I was slow and fat. The worse part is the driver heard this every time and did nothing. Aren’t authority figures supposed to protect children from being hurt in such ways? Well, unfortunately that did not happen for me so I hated taking the bus everyday. Everything was great when I got to school. It was coming home that was the bad part. The sad thing is I didn’t just get this at school. I played sports for the local Girls Club. The second “year” I played I got a coach who was very rude. At this point I was not small like the other girls, I was able to wear my mom’s shorts. So when it came to order uniforms and we put down adult size shorts and shirt the coach made a very mean remark that made my mom remove me from that team. She went to the club and requested I be put on another team since we already paid for me to play. They did put me on another team, but it was even worse. The coach got me the wrong size uniform and never let me play. So I gave up on playing basketball. This is when I turned to volleyball. It was better, but not by much. Although, that was just for the first “year” I played. The second time I played I had the best coach and team. Everyone was accepting and encouraging. Yes I was smaller than most of the other girls, but they didn’t look at that. They saw me as part of the team and as a person. When it was my turn to serve they always made me feel good even if I did miss getting it over the net. It was awesome!
During all of this time things at home weren’t the best. Before changing schools my dad changed jobs a few times so we didn’t have to move anymore. Due to that one job kept calling him late at night so he left there because it was almost as bad. He wanted to be able to be at home not always at work. That being the reason he left the job he had since I could remember. Then he found the one that took him to Louisiana for training. To this day he is working for this company, but not in the same position. After training he was working in Mississippi which was only an hours drive away. He now had better hours and actually had days off, but it seemed like he still wasn’t home due to him going out with friends drinking after work. I know he didn’t do it to not be at home. Although, at the time being a child I thought that and it hurt me a lot. Yes I got to spend time with him on his days off and go with him when he went golfing and all that fun stuff, but it still would have been nice to have him home when we had dinner instead of at the bar. Due to this it put a lot of tension on our family. This is when my parents started having issues that I saw. They probably did have issues prior, but these were the ones I started to see and getting affected by. So because of it I always asked my mom if we could leave because I didn’t want to be there. She would always say no because this was our home. That was until one night my dad came home from the bar and they got into a fight while I was in bed and thought I was asleep. I heard my dad tell my mom she could leave. At this time if my mom left so did I because we were close. I guess she had a talk with him because one night I got put on the spot and my dad asked where I wanted to go. I chose my mom. No my choice was not just because of the things with my dad it also had to do with the school and how I was treated there. I just was not happy there and I wanted to get away. So that summer my mom and I came to visit family in Oklahoma like we normally did. Except this time everyone talked my mom to coming to live here. So one early morning my mom and I left my grandma’s and drove back to Arkansas and grabbed what we could while my dad was at work and came back. I look back now and realize how devastated my dad had to be and I feel so horrible about what we did to him. That trip was horrible! It was so hot and we had no air conditioning in the car. The drive was six hours one way and we did a round trip. So with this move I ended up changing schools again. So again I didn’t know exactly how to go about making friends. Especially since everyone at this school grew up with one another and knew each other. I was great full my cousin took me under her wing and let me hang out with her and her friends in school so I wasn’t alone. That is what got me through my first year of school. It wasn’t until that upcoming Winter break that my life started to go to hell. My dad came in town for my birthday and we all spent time together one night. When my dad dropped us off at my grandma’s she asked me to see if we could come back home. Yes my mom had me ask. So I went to my dad when he was leaving if we could come back home and this is how I found out that my dad was divorcing my mom was by him saying “You can come home, but she can’t.” How is a kid supposed to take this? My heart was breaking! I did want to go home, but I didn’t want to leave my mom. So happy birthday to me right! After that I was a little more secluded because I didn’t know how to process that happening. School was fine. I liked my classes and I was doing okay. That is until the next year. The summer leading into the next school year is what had us all in a scare. My grandma had a heart attack. My dad offered to take me home early and I said no I wanted to stay but if it got worse I will go home then. So I stayed the entire summer with him. The thing is my grandma’s health declined after that. That October is when she passed. The thing of it all is my mom and I lived with my grandma and watched as she was passing away each day. What gets to me still is being what some would consider a teen or pre-teen had to confirm my own grandma was dead to my mom. I was numb. I didn’t know how to react or to do other call the family so that is what I did. Again I didn’t know how to process this tragedy. So I became a secluded teen that really didn’t talk much to anyone. I didn’t do anything with anyone other than my cousin just because. So because of this it put a strain on my mom’s and my relationship and made it hard to get along. We fought a lot and things happened that should have never happened. Now there were good things that happened during this time, but this stuff is what has shaped me. During this time I didn’t feel anything and it scared me so I started self harming myself so I could at least feel something. So not only did my parents get divorced and my grandma die, but we got robbed in the apartment we were living in and they took the most important things that meant the most to me. My parents wedding rings. I could care less about the money, xbox and everything else. I wanted my parents wedding rings back. I felt violated on so many levels knowing someone had been in our home without us there. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break since all this seemed to be happening so close together.
After all of that my mom got sick. She was in and out of the hospital no one knowing what is going on and what is causing it. She ended up having to have 24 hour care so she stayed with my aunt for a bit since I was in school and couldn’t be at home to take care of her. Then when she got better we got her back home where then I started taking care of her. I would help her when she needed to the restroom, but I had it set where she could do it herself. That way she was getting her strength back. Then I would move it back a little bit so she have to stand a little more than usual and so she can get to the fridge. After she got her strength back we moved the toilet away from the fridge because she could then get up enough and get something herself. I did this all while going to school. Did I want to give up? Yes! But I didn’t and I graduated high school. How I did it I do not know, but I did. I was always tired. I look back and see I had some amazing teachers who were understanding. One teacher let me sleep in class after I had my work done because she knew I was tired. Most of the faculty knew what was going on in a way. So if I fell asleep they didn’t really say anything since I always kept my grades up. At least to a passing level. I am so great full to those teachers. I do not know how I would have made it through the day if they would not have let me take those naps in the class.
So because of everything during that time I suffered with anxiety, anger, and depression. I have been to a professional and been diagnosed. They diagnosed me with different anxieties and major depressive disorder. This was in the mid 2000’s a little after 2010. Also I forgot to mention my mom suffers from a lot of mental disorders to including, but not limited to, anxiety and bipolar depression. So with her suffering with that and me with mine, we were not the best combination together at the time. Thankfully we learned how to communicate in our own way that worked.
Later down the road I started dating and had my first heart break that did a really big number on me. I ended up doing stupid things I probably shouldn’t have, but because of that I learned a lot. I then dated someone else and ended up moving out of the state. Not entirely for them, but partly. We were together somewhat of a year but lived together about seven months. That was not one bit a healthy relationship. I look back and realize he did nothing but belittled everything I did. Anything I did was not good enough. To him I was lazy compared to what all he “did.” He was never home. The beginning was great. It was when we got our own place that things went downhill. I didn’t do things the way he wanted or liked I guess. My job wasn’t that “hard” apparently since “he could do it with one hand behind his back.” The romance “died” apparently since I slept on the couch because I didn’t want to fight the dog for space on the bed after getting off of work at like 3 a.m. So after seven months he ends it IN A NOTE! Yes! The guy wrote a note and left it for me ending things and giving me a time limit to find a place and move. So I just decided I would move back home. After that I was so heart broken because I literally gave up everything to move there. I quit a job that I was actually enjoying to move. I used all of the money I saved to get that apartment and to get his ass out of a jam. I didn’t even get a thank you for that! That money was my cushion and I used it on him because I cared so much for him! So after moving back I had a few jobs until I got back to the company I was with before I left. I was becoming happy again and trying to recover from what I was realizing was mental abuse. I was finding myself and becoming comfortable with who I was. That was when I met the next guy that became a significant part of my life story. At that time I thought I was ready to get back out there. He was a sweet guy. He treated me right. He made me laugh. I was happy. He helped me heal. But he also strung me along after not telling me things had ended. He did throw out mixed signals so I didn’t know if he wanted to get back together or what. We were still good friends until I don’t know what happened. I guess he didn’t like what I had to say on how he had changed. I kept holding on to hope for a year after things ended that we would get back together. Finally, I just gave up and worked on focusing on me. That is when I started noticing someone that was always interested and decided to hang out with him. We hung out a few times then he had to stop talking to me due to his job. One night I guess he finally decided to say screw it and messaged me and we hung out that night. That same night is when we started our relationship. Not to long after that we started moving a little fast and decided to move in together. Due to our jobs one of us had to quit or take the chance of getting fired. So I took the plunge and quit the job I had been wanting for a really long time. Four months later from then we got married. Yes after only four months of a relationship we decided to get married. I am a firm believer in if you know you know. We have been together for almost three years now. They have not been easy by any means.
The first year was the hardest and most challenging because we were still getting to know one another. That and the fact certain events had a factor in it all. I had a friend from way back in the early years of my adult life that came back into my life. I am part to blame for why this turned out the way it did. The way the two met was not the best. With that being said my husband did not like the guy and thought he was shady. I asked him to give the guy a chance and he tried, but he just did not like how he acted around me and how he talked to me. I didn’t see anything wrong at first. It wasn’t until after the arguments and fights we had that I decided to call it quits and say I wanted a divorce. That didn’t last long at all. I left and didn’t sleep at all that night. So I called my mom and asked her for advice and asked her if she thought he would let me come back and us work on things. She told me all I could do is call him and ask. So I did just that and he said yes. So I got a ride to my mom’s home and had him pick me up when he got off work. After that night, we just realized that we just needed time apart from one another because we were constantly around one another. Also, after that I started hanging out with another couple who we were asking advice on how to deal with the guy. It wasn’t until then that I saw how much of a weird guy that my friend was. So after a few things that happened down the line, I decided to stop talking to him and my husband’s and my relationship got better. The next year was rough due to having to move in with his mom. A lot happened during that year, but it made us and our relationship stronger because we learned a lot. We accomplished so much too during that time. Also, during that time I got diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Not many people know what that is and what it causes. It is pretty much a hormonal disorder. To be honest the name is misleading because not all women get cysts on their ovaries. It is actually where the woman’s hormone balance is off and makes less estrogen and more testosterone which can cause hair growth in places women shouldn’t have hair like having a beard or a mustache. Also, it effects their cycles to where they can either go months to years without a period or have really heavy periods that are very painful. This disorder can also cause infertility among other health problems. It is horrible. The cramps can become so bad you can’t get out of bed so trying to go to work is hard because of the pain. So because of this disorder my anxiety and depression has gotten worse. It has made it hard for me to keep a job because the weight I have gained has put a strain on my back and knees. Which in turn makes me more depressed because I am not happy with how I much I weigh and how I feel. It makes my anxiety even worse because I know I need to get things done and feel I can’t. It just goes into a cycle. I have seen doctors for it and no PCOS is not curable. All the doctors have said is to exercise and eat healthy to loose the weight and I will feel better. Do they realize PCOS makes it nearly impossible to loose weight. I have tried cutting out starch and breads. I also started eating certain meats and more vegetables with no avail. I even started walking and becoming more active and nothing. I just get a fluctuating weight between 195 lbs to 200 lbs. That doesn’t sound to bad, but I am 4’11. I am short. So all that weight is putting a lot of strain on me. I can’t stand for too long or my back hurts and the pain goes down to my knees. Sometimes I even start to swell up and not just my feet even my hands!
Women like me have to suffer and struggle with this and get told things like if we can’t have kids then we aren’t real women. Which does not help our depression! If we try to get help from the government because we absolutely can not work we get denied because it isn’t supposedly bad enough, but women who have multiple kids can get help and they don’t even take care of them. No I am not assuming. I am just going by how I have seen certain women treat their kids. It is so hard to keep going sometimes when you feel like you can’t do anything. I want to be able to help my husband in the financial area. I want to be able to take care of our home the way I want. I want to be able to do a lot and can’t! It is a never ending cycle! They say take medicine to help you feel better. Well to take medicine you need to see a doctor. To see a doctor you need insurance. To get insurance cost money. Yes there is the marketplace that helps get cheap insurance, but with cheap insurance comes with not so great plans so you might as well not have the insurance. So it is just never ends with feeling useless. I just want to be able to find help.
So that is what my life has turned out to be like. Now could it change? Yes it could change, but I do not see that happening for a really long time. There has been a lot of good things happen, but I want to feel better. I want to be able to enjoy the good and not just live through it. Half the time I am in such a fog I don’t remember a lot of it. Mental health is no joke! So if you know someone who suffers with it, but seems happy check on them because they may not be okay.
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy, because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.’
~Robin Williams
You could say I had a good childhood. I had both parents together. Dad worked while mom stayed at home taking care of me and the house. Pretty much being the stay-at-home mom/wife. I didn’t really do without. I was a happy little kid. It was a little lonely, but I was happy. I had our pets to play with and toys. It wasn’t until I started school that things started to change. Once I started school I started to make friends, but I got taken away from them when we moved due to my dad’s job. No big deal at the time because then I didn’t know the impact that would have on me just yet. We moved all the way from the East Coast to Arkansas. I started school there and was very shy since I didn’t know how to make new friends due to being around the same ones for so long. Another thing that changed was my mom was no longer always at home. She started working as well, so I started having some resentment towards her because we were so close and she was no longer around all the time. Then when I was going into 5th grade I had to change schools again due to our new home being in a different district. I feel this could have been prevented or at least found a way for me to stay at my school, but that didn’t happen and I ended up going to a school I absolutely hated. I had to make new friends, which wasn’t so bad a first. I liked the teachers I had and the friends I did make. I was looked at as a normal kid and it was great. That is until the guidance counselor started pushing me to be put in a different “part” of that grade. At this school the grades were parted due to how “smart” they are, at least that is how I looked saw it. I was one of the kids that could be put in the “smart” side. Did I want to be put there? No. Did I end up there? Yes! Once I got changed I was unhappy. I lost all the friends I had made because I didn’t get to see them anymore. Also, I felt I was behind what they had already learned I felt since they went at a faster pace than the other half of the grade due to it being the “smart” side. I just wanted to be normal and have fun. During this time I also started to get bullied because I was heavier than other students. At first it didn’t bother me because I told my mom and she told me it was because I was a healthy child. We didn’t know at the time there was something actually wrong. When I got into 6th grade things got better and I made some friends and was okay until the end of the day when I had to go home on the bus. This was when the bullying got worse at this point. There were some older kids that would pick on me on the bus saying I was slow and fat. The worse part is the driver heard this every time and did nothing. Aren’t authority figures supposed to protect children from being hurt in such ways? Well, unfortunately that did not happen for me so I hated taking the bus everyday. Everything was great when I got to school. It was coming home that was the bad part. The sad thing is I didn’t just get this at school. I played sports for the local Girls Club. The second “year” I played I got a coach who was very rude. At this point I was not small like the other girls, I was able to wear my mom’s shorts. So when it came to order uniforms and we put down adult size shorts and shirt the coach made a very mean remark that made my mom remove me from that team. She went to the club and requested I be put on another team since we already paid for me to play. They did put me on another team, but it was even worse. The coach got me the wrong size uniform and never let me play. So I gave up on playing basketball. This is when I turned to volleyball. It was better, but not by much. Although, that was just for the first “year” I played. The second time I played I had the best coach and team. Everyone was accepting and encouraging. Yes I was smaller than most of the other girls, but they didn’t look at that. They saw me as part of the team and as a person. When it was my turn to serve they always made me feel good even if I did miss getting it over the net. It was awesome!
During all of this time things at home weren’t the best. Before changing schools my dad changed jobs a few times so we didn’t have to move anymore. Due to that one job kept calling him late at night so he left there because it was almost as bad. He wanted to be able to be at home not always at work. That being the reason he left the job he had since I could remember. Then he found the one that took him to Louisiana for training. To this day he is working for this company, but not in the same position. After training he was working in Mississippi which was only an hours drive away. He now had better hours and actually had days off, but it seemed like he still wasn’t home due to him going out with friends drinking after work. I know he didn’t do it to not be at home. Although, at the time being a child I thought that and it hurt me a lot. Yes I got to spend time with him on his days off and go with him when he went golfing and all that fun stuff, but it still would have been nice to have him home when we had dinner instead of at the bar. Due to this it put a lot of tension on our family. This is when my parents started having issues that I saw. They probably did have issues prior, but these were the ones I started to see and getting affected by. So because of it I always asked my mom if we could leave because I didn’t want to be there. She would always say no because this was our home. That was until one night my dad came home from the bar and they got into a fight while I was in bed and thought I was asleep. I heard my dad tell my mom she could leave. At this time if my mom left so did I because we were close. I guess she had a talk with him because one night I got put on the spot and my dad asked where I wanted to go. I chose my mom. No my choice was not just because of the things with my dad it also had to do with the school and how I was treated there. I just was not happy there and I wanted to get away. So that summer my mom and I came to visit family in Oklahoma like we normally did. Except this time everyone talked my mom to coming to live here. So one early morning my mom and I left my grandma’s and drove back to Arkansas and grabbed what we could while my dad was at work and came back. I look back now and realize how devastated my dad had to be and I feel so horrible about what we did to him. That trip was horrible! It was so hot and we had no air conditioning in the car. The drive was six hours one way and we did a round trip. So with this move I ended up changing schools again. So again I didn’t know exactly how to go about making friends. Especially since everyone at this school grew up with one another and knew each other. I was great full my cousin took me under her wing and let me hang out with her and her friends in school so I wasn’t alone. That is what got me through my first year of school. It wasn’t until that upcoming Winter break that my life started to go to hell. My dad came in town for my birthday and we all spent time together one night. When my dad dropped us off at my grandma’s she asked me to see if we could come back home. Yes my mom had me ask. So I went to my dad when he was leaving if we could come back home and this is how I found out that my dad was divorcing my mom was by him saying “You can come home, but she can’t.” How is a kid supposed to take this? My heart was breaking! I did want to go home, but I didn’t want to leave my mom. So happy birthday to me right! After that I was a little more secluded because I didn’t know how to process that happening. School was fine. I liked my classes and I was doing okay. That is until the next year. The summer leading into the next school year is what had us all in a scare. My grandma had a heart attack. My dad offered to take me home early and I said no I wanted to stay but if it got worse I will go home then. So I stayed the entire summer with him. The thing is my grandma’s health declined after that. That October is when she passed. The thing of it all is my mom and I lived with my grandma and watched as she was passing away each day. What gets to me still is being what some would consider a teen or pre-teen had to confirm my own grandma was dead to my mom. I was numb. I didn’t know how to react or to do other call the family so that is what I did. Again I didn’t know how to process this tragedy. So I became a secluded teen that really didn’t talk much to anyone. I didn’t do anything with anyone other than my cousin just because. So because of this it put a strain on my mom’s and my relationship and made it hard to get along. We fought a lot and things happened that should have never happened. Now there were good things that happened during this time, but this stuff is what has shaped me. During this time I didn’t feel anything and it scared me so I started self harming myself so I could at least feel something. So not only did my parents get divorced and my grandma die, but we got robbed in the apartment we were living in and they took the most important things that meant the most to me. My parents wedding rings. I could care less about the money, xbox and everything else. I wanted my parents wedding rings back. I felt violated on so many levels knowing someone had been in our home without us there. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break since all this seemed to be happening so close together.
After all of that my mom got sick. She was in and out of the hospital no one knowing what is going on and what is causing it. She ended up having to have 24 hour care so she stayed with my aunt for a bit since I was in school and couldn’t be at home to take care of her. Then when she got better we got her back home where then I started taking care of her. I would help her when she needed to the restroom, but I had it set where she could do it herself. That way she was getting her strength back. Then I would move it back a little bit so she have to stand a little more than usual and so she can get to the fridge. After she got her strength back we moved the toilet away from the fridge because she could then get up enough and get something herself. I did this all while going to school. Did I want to give up? Yes! But I didn’t and I graduated high school. How I did it I do not know, but I did. I was always tired. I look back and see I had some amazing teachers who were understanding. One teacher let me sleep in class after I had my work done because she knew I was tired. Most of the faculty knew what was going on in a way. So if I fell asleep they didn’t really say anything since I always kept my grades up. At least to a passing level. I am so great full to those teachers. I do not know how I would have made it through the day if they would not have let me take those naps in the class.
So because of everything during that time I suffered with anxiety, anger, and depression. I have been to a professional and been diagnosed. They diagnosed me with different anxieties and major depressive disorder. This was in the mid 2000’s a little after 2010. Also I forgot to mention my mom suffers from a lot of mental disorders to including, but not limited to, anxiety and bipolar depression. So with her suffering with that and me with mine, we were not the best combination together at the time. Thankfully we learned how to communicate in our own way that worked.
Later down the road I started dating and had my first heart break that did a really big number on me. I ended up doing stupid things I probably shouldn’t have, but because of that I learned a lot. I then dated someone else and ended up moving out of the state. Not entirely for them, but partly. We were together somewhat of a year but lived together about seven months. That was not one bit a healthy relationship. I look back and realize he did nothing but belittled everything I did. Anything I did was not good enough. To him I was lazy compared to what all he “did.” He was never home. The beginning was great. It was when we got our own place that things went downhill. I didn’t do things the way he wanted or liked I guess. My job wasn’t that “hard” apparently since “he could do it with one hand behind his back.” The romance “died” apparently since I slept on the couch because I didn’t want to fight the dog for space on the bed after getting off of work at like 3 a.m. So after seven months he ends it IN A NOTE! Yes! The guy wrote a note and left it for me ending things and giving me a time limit to find a place and move. So I just decided I would move back home. After that I was so heart broken because I literally gave up everything to move there. I quit a job that I was actually enjoying to move. I used all of the money I saved to get that apartment and to get his ass out of a jam. I didn’t even get a thank you for that! That money was my cushion and I used it on him because I cared so much for him! So after moving back I had a few jobs until I got back to the company I was with before I left. I was becoming happy again and trying to recover from what I was realizing was mental abuse. I was finding myself and becoming comfortable with who I was. That was when I met the next guy that became a significant part of my life story. At that time I thought I was ready to get back out there. He was a sweet guy. He treated me right. He made me laugh. I was happy. He helped me heal. But he also strung me along after not telling me things had ended. He did throw out mixed signals so I didn’t know if he wanted to get back together or what. We were still good friends until I don’t know what happened. I guess he didn’t like what I had to say on how he had changed. I kept holding on to hope for a year after things ended that we would get back together. Finally, I just gave up and worked on focusing on me. That is when I started noticing someone that was always interested and decided to hang out with him. We hung out a few times then he had to stop talking to me due to his job. One night I guess he finally decided to say screw it and messaged me and we hung out that night. That same night is when we started our relationship. Not to long after that we started moving a little fast and decided to move in together. Due to our jobs one of us had to quit or take the chance of getting fired. So I took the plunge and quit the job I had been wanting for a really long time. Four months later from then we got married. Yes after only four months of a relationship we decided to get married. I am a firm believer in if you know you know. We have been together for almost three years now. They have not been easy by any means.
The first year was the hardest and most challenging because we were still getting to know one another. That and the fact certain events had a factor in it all. I had a friend from way back in the early years of my adult life that came back into my life. I am part to blame for why this turned out the way it did. The way the two met was not the best. With that being said my husband did not like the guy and thought he was shady. I asked him to give the guy a chance and he tried, but he just did not like how he acted around me and how he talked to me. I didn’t see anything wrong at first. It wasn’t until after the arguments and fights we had that I decided to call it quits and say I wanted a divorce. That didn’t last long at all. I left and didn’t sleep at all that night. So I called my mom and asked her for advice and asked her if she thought he would let me come back and us work on things. She told me all I could do is call him and ask. So I did just that and he said yes. So I got a ride to my mom’s home and had him pick me up when he got off work. After that night, we just realized that we just needed time apart from one another because we were constantly around one another. Also, after that I started hanging out with another couple who we were asking advice on how to deal with the guy. It wasn’t until then that I saw how much of a weird guy that my friend was. So after a few things that happened down the line, I decided to stop talking to him and my husband’s and my relationship got better. The next year was rough due to having to move in with his mom. A lot happened during that year, but it made us and our relationship stronger because we learned a lot. We accomplished so much too during that time. Also, during that time I got diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Not many people know what that is and what it causes. It is pretty much a hormonal disorder. To be honest the name is misleading because not all women get cysts on their ovaries. It is actually where the woman’s hormone balance is off and makes less estrogen and more testosterone which can cause hair growth in places women shouldn’t have hair like having a beard or a mustache. Also, it effects their cycles to where they can either go months to years without a period or have really heavy periods that are very painful. This disorder can also cause infertility among other health problems. It is horrible. The cramps can become so bad you can’t get out of bed so trying to go to work is hard because of the pain. So because of this disorder my anxiety and depression has gotten worse. It has made it hard for me to keep a job because the weight I have gained has put a strain on my back and knees. Which in turn makes me more depressed because I am not happy with how I much I weigh and how I feel. It makes my anxiety even worse because I know I need to get things done and feel I can’t. It just goes into a cycle. I have seen doctors for it and no PCOS is not curable. All the doctors have said is to exercise and eat healthy to loose the weight and I will feel better. Do they realize PCOS makes it nearly impossible to loose weight. I have tried cutting out starch and breads. I also started eating certain meats and more vegetables with no avail. I even started walking and becoming more active and nothing. I just get a fluctuating weight between 195 lbs to 200 lbs. That doesn’t sound to bad, but I am 4’11. I am short. So all that weight is putting a lot of strain on me. I can’t stand for too long or my back hurts and the pain goes down to my knees. Sometimes I even start to swell up and not just my feet even my hands!
Women like me have to suffer and struggle with this and get told things like if we can’t have kids then we aren’t real women. Which does not help our depression! If we try to get help from the government because we absolutely can not work we get denied because it isn’t supposedly bad enough, but women who have multiple kids can get help and they don’t even take care of them. No I am not assuming. I am just going by how I have seen certain women treat their kids. It is so hard to keep going sometimes when you feel like you can’t do anything. I want to be able to help my husband in the financial area. I want to be able to take care of our home the way I want. I want to be able to do a lot and can’t! It is a never ending cycle! They say take medicine to help you feel better. Well to take medicine you need to see a doctor. To see a doctor you need insurance. To get insurance cost money. Yes there is the marketplace that helps get cheap insurance, but with cheap insurance comes with not so great plans so you might as well not have the insurance. So it is just never ends with feeling useless. I just want to be able to find help.
So that is what my life has turned out to be like. Now could it change? Yes it could change, but I do not see that happening for a really long time. There has been a lot of good things happen, but I want to feel better. I want to be able to enjoy the good and not just live through it. Half the time I am in such a fog I don’t remember a lot of it. Mental health is no joke! So if you know someone who suffers with it, but seems happy check on them because they may not be okay.
“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy, because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.’
~Robin Williams
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